Heavy
by Morgan Idle
Summary: Jake has a secret. When Bella finds out, will she want to keep him at an arms length any longer, or will she forfeit to what she really needs? A familiar scent is found near the border...and people start disappearing. How long can Jake really protect her?


JPOV

I slammed the door to my house so hard the glass in the window cracked. My dad yelled after me about it, but I had too much on my mind to be bothered to apologize. I'd fix the pane later. I had to go down to the beach to think.

The bright circle of white behind the clouds above the ocean brought just enough light so I had to squint back the brightness as I walked to the beach. Instead of the slight sun lifting my mood, it just irritated me more. I sat on a piece of driftwood that Bella and I frequented, staring out into the broody sea, thinking. Planning.

I was sick and tired of this. I was tired of hiding my feelings and tired of being scared of crossing the careful lines Bella had put between us. I was tired of hiding that I had imprinted on her. And I was tired of waiting for her to decide whether or not to move on. It was on my mind heavily lately, the imprint. The second that I saw her, that I knew her, truly knew her, more intimately than I thought possible to know anyone. I could see into her soul, it seemed, just by looking at her, watching her sit angrily in that old rustbucket. It killed me, and made me more alive than I ever thought at the same time.

_Billy pounds on my bedroom door. "Jake, you'd better go outside. Bella's camped outside. I don't think you're getting out of it this time."_

_Damn it all to hell. Bella. She'd been calling for weeks now. She's been the only person I want to see right now, and the only person I need to stay away from for the rest of my life. I scrub my face with my hands and pull back the curtain in my bedroom to look into the driveway at the rusty truck ._

_And immediately drop the curtain._

_And suck in a breath of air._

_And drop back onto my bed. _

_What the hell just happened? I feel as though my heart is knotting, like someone tied a thread around it and is tugging it like a leash. Tugging me on a leash, like the dog that I am. That someone is Bella. Immediately it pains me to not see her. I get back up and peek out the window again. Her head is down, she looks like she's digging for something on the floor of the truck. All I can see is the crown of her dark head and I still feel as though I'm dying because I'm not near her. Not touching her, holding her. I close the curtain again and anger burns in my chest. Why? Why her? God, I've loved her for so long, and this is how it's going to be? This pain is going to get worse because of an imprint? The pain of being second in her heart, if I get a place at all? I'm irate. Not at Bella, never. Never. Irate at myself, at what I am. At my grandfather. At my heritage, my ancestors. At the Cullens. It's their fault; for coming to Forks, for existing at all. _

_Please, God, kill me now._

_I storm into the living room. Billy looks up at me and I can see in his eyes that he knows what has happened. I ignore him and pick up the phone and dial Sam's number._

"_Hello?" Emily._

"_Emily I need Sam. It's an emergency."_

"_Jake. Is everything ok hon?"_

_I fight to control my temper. It's not Emily I should take this out on. "Em, please, I just need Sam." My voice is losing the control. I'm shaking. Billy is looking at me cautiously. Ever since I phased in front of him for the first time, he looks at me like he's terrified of me. Not that I can blame him. When I came so close to kissing Bella at the theatre, I felt alive, elated, like it was going somewhere. I was so angry after Mikey Moron came and spoiled it all, I couldn't calm down no matter how I tried. I got so pissed that all Billy did was just look at me funny and I blew up into a massive dog. _

_I'm a freak. A monster. How could she love me now if she never even loved me before?_

"_He's out on patrol."_

_Shit. There's no way I can sneak out of the house to talk to him without Bella seeing me. I have to do this on my own. It'll kill me. To break my promise. It'll kill her, too. God. But I can't be around her, not now. Can't risk hurting her. Emily's face flashes through my mind. Later. Once I learn the control I need, I'll come to her. If I thought I didn't have a choice to love her before, I absolutely don't have one now. _

_I hang up on Emily and take a deep breath. I cross the room in three strides and yank myself out the door. _

_How am I going to do this?_

I shook my head of the memories. Now's not the time for that. I focused my thoughts on the task at hand. Telling Bella of my imprint. God. Seeing her almost every day since then had been torture. Not being able to touch her, kiss her taste her.

_Stop. Thinking. Now._

But she was still hung up over him. Him. Everything came back to him, that epic thorn in my paw. She still loved him.

Edward. Edward. Ed. Fucking. Ward. He had been gone for a year and a half. He was gone from her life, and he wasn't coming back. She was killing herself waiting for him. She was going to die if she kept up these stupid stunts. Motorcycles. Cliff diving. Jessica Stanley's boozer parties. How many have I taken her from? How many times have I warded Newton from taking advantage of her? You'd think he'd have learned his lesson the first time I broke his arm. Or the second time. Or the third. I don't know what she's hoping for, doing this stupid crap. Maybe she was waiting for that bloodsucker that could see the future to see Bella hurt herself so badly that _he_ would come running to her rescue and sweep her up on a freaking white horse and carry her off into the sunset. I was the one who was running to help her all the time now. I was the one that took care of her, killed the damned leeches after her; and I would kill any other leech that caught her scent. I was the one who loved her. I was the one that stayed. I was the one that looked over her while she slept now.

I was her soulmate. She was mine. I'd known that for years. And I was done hiding this.

I heard her footsteps on the pavement in the parking lot. She walked from my house. I decided to give her a while before I acknowledged her presence. It still weirded her out, the supernatural stuff like extraordinary hearing. She pretended that it didn't bug her, but I was so attuned to her, could read her so well, that I knew otherwise. Her footsteps faltered, then paused. I felt, rather than heard her heart flutter. Mine responded.

_God help me today, please._

BPOV

I drove up to LaPush slowly in my truck, counting the cars that passed me. Grr. It wasn't my fault my truck was old on top of well-loved. Ok, beat up, but what can you expect? It's old.

"They're just jealous," I muttered to my truck as a shiny red Focus illegally crossed the solid line, blaring his horn.

When I finally got there, Billy told me Jake was at the beach, waiting. I chuckled. I should have known he would be there waiting. It was a fairly nice day—for northwest Washington—and I decided to walk rather than drive the quarter of a mile to the beach. I paused in the parking lot when I saw Jacob's crow-black hair. Just seeing that much of him made my heart skip a beat. I knew I was starting to fall for him. I didn't know how I could tell him, but I knew I needed to soon. I could feel a tug toward him lately. A pull that I couldn't describe. It thrilled me. Terrified me. I didn't know what to do about it, but I knew I had to restrain myself from touching him all the time now.

I continued down the parking lot, banning these thoughts from my mind. Jacob turned his head back once he heard my footsteps—still sooner than any human could. As the pavement turned to sand I tripped on the change of texture. I could hear Jake's laughter above the sea's billowing and stuck my tongue out at his back.

"Hey, Jake."

"Hey Bella. Have a nice trip?" He stayed on the driftwood as I came to stand in front of him.

"Shut up." I smacked him lightly on the arm. It hurt a little. "What's up?"

"Not much."

His voice sounded off. He looked anxious. I wondered what the concerned angle of his eyebrows was all about.

"Sure, sure," I said sarcastically. He took my hand automatically as he stood and led me down the beach. It felt natural and I liked it. I couldn't help but wonder again if he thought I was playing with his heart. I knew he loved me. I could feel it when he looked at me, touched me. I was almost ready to accept him. Not much longer. I was still so messed up. Broken. But almost whole. Almost whole thanks to Jacob. And coming to love him with each and every stitch he mended my soul with. I loved him. The way he needed me to. Still scared, however, I kept it hidden and gathered courage day by day, touch by touch, to tell him. To advance this. Us.

We sat down on an outcropping of rocks and stared out into the gray ocean. It reflected the sky. It reflected Jake's mood.

"So what're you so anxious about?"

Jacob chuckled and looked at me. "It's amazing how you can read me."

"It's not that hard." Not that hard because I love you. I'm just that attuned to you by now. " What's going on?"

Jake blew out a breath of air. "I…I don't know…" he chuckled again and fidgeted with the hemp necklace I'd made him for his birthday. I'd spent three hours with the string between my toes and my laptop open to the instructions on how to make it. It would have taken less time but he has a thick neck. It was thin tan hemp and had green glass beads spaced throughout it.

"Spit it out," I hedged, jokingly.

"I—I love you, Bella." He blew out a gust of air and let go of my hand, like he thought I would be uncomfortable.

_No, keep my hand, warm it. It's yours. I'm yours._

_Not yet, Bella. Not quite._

I shook my head, banished those thoughts. Tried to respond to what I already knew, but I didn't know how to react.

"Jake, I—"

"Please, Bella, let me finish?" he said it as a question. Not a question, more like he was pleading with me.

" 'K."

"Not love…I've…im…printed. On you."

…What? No. No. How? When? It was my turn to blow out a shuddery breath of air. How could he hide it from me? Physically, how could he? "How long?" Oh God, all the hurt this must have caused him. I'm horrible.

"Since the first time I saw you after I changed."

Shock. Shock. Can't think. Say something. Form words. Do it. Now! "Jake, I don't think I can return those feelings," I muttered. Lies. I knew I could. But self-preservation overtook me once control of the situation had shifted.

He started trembling. I knew it was a matter of time until he got angry. I'd never seen him angry at me before. I was expecting angry. I wasn't expecting the explosion. Or the hurtful words flying from his mouth.

"The hell you can't! What're you hanging on for? _Him?_ _He's_ not coming back. _Edward_ _Cullen_ is not coming back. _He_ left you, pretty much for dead. _He _took away the family you loved. _He _said he loved you and then tore your heart out! _He_ doesn't give a rat's ass about you, and he never will!"

Self-preservation took control and I shut down. I tried to, at least. Didn't work. His words were too true, too close to home to not penetrate my walls. Suddenly I felt angry, defensive. Who the hell did he think he was?

I stiffened. This was a closed subject, and Jacob well knew that. I didn't need this, so I got up and turned to leave. Jacob ran around me and cut me off. He grabbed the tops of my arms and bent down so I couldn't not look at his face. _"But I am here._ _I _have been here for you, taking care of you, helping you, making sure you don't do anything too stupid! _I_ love you, _I_ will never leave you. _I_ can make you so, so happy."

_I know Jake. I know. Just wait. Just a little longer, wait for me, and I can make you as happy. Just a bit longer. _Not waiting would be a recipe for disaster, so I decided that I couldn't listen anymore. I couldn't risk being persuaded, not right now. "Jake, let me go home," I whispered.

"No. Not until you listen to me."

"I did."

"No you didn't. You shut me out and you heard, but you didn't _listen_." I looked into his face and was heartbroken at what I saw. His eyes were pulled closed and sad, angry at the same time. I saw moisture forming at the corners and wanted so badly to brush them away. I hated seeing him so upset. I hated even more knowing that I was the cause.

"Jake—"

"What, Bella? What? You want me to get on my freaking knees and beg you? 'Cause I will."

"No, Jake, please, just let me go." I would not cry.

_Bella, you're breaking his heart. You're crushing him. Just accept him now, you're ready. Gather the courage to just fall._

_No. you're not ready yet._

Great. Now I had multiple personality disorder. Perfect.

_Accept him._

"No, Bella, I'm not letting you go." Then he did it. He got down on his knees in the sand. I could see almost eye to eye with him. "Please, I'm begging you. I love you and I will be here. Always. Please, Bella. _Please._" Jacob sounded so sad and so broken. A tear slipped past his breaking wall. My anger dissipated. I reached up to his cheek to brush away the tears that were falling; he closed his eyes and leaned his face into my hand. I did want so badly to kiss him. I wanted so much to tell him I loved him and that I would be with him. But I couldn't. Not yet. I wasn't completely sure I could do it yet. Leaving him now would be better than saying yes and breaking him later.

"I can't," was all I said. I yanked myself out of his grip and tried to leave again.

"You say my name at night."

That caught my attention. I stopped short, my back to him. "_What?_"

"You say my name when you sleep at night. Not Edward's. And you haven't had a nightmare in months."

I spun around. He was still on his knees, back to me. "You're in my room? _When I sleep?_ That is so wrong!" I knew I should feel angry, but oddly…I was flattered. The words were full of emotion that I didn't really feel.

He got up and faced me but stayed where he was. "Wrong? _Me?_ You let him in your room every night."

I didn't feel offended. But I couldn't think of anything to say. I responded with the first dumbass thing that went through my head. "That was different. He wasn't creeping around me, I wanted him there." _I want you there, too. Not "too," "only." Only him there._

"You want me there. You know you do."

"Screw you, Jacob!" I turned on my heel and stomped back to my truck. I had the door open when he came up behind me and slammed the door closed. I turned around. "Please, Jake, I can't do this," I said softly; the tears escaped from behind my tired eyes.

The air around us change from anger to desperation. Love. Want. Need.

_Now now now. Want him now._

_Not yet. Don't hurt him. Little longer._

"Yes you can. Please." He backed me up against the truck and put his forehead to mine. "I can't live without you. I've imprinted on you. You're my soulmate. I love you. Please, Bella," he whispered the last part, making me shiver, even though the heat radiating off of Jacob was enough to make me sweat.

I was crying hard. "I want to, Jake, but I can't."

"Yes you can."

I shook my head no. He put his finger under my chin and lifted my face to his. He kissed my eyes, my forehead, my cheeks. Then, very softly, he placed his lips to mine and kissed me sweetly. I could hardly think straight, but I managed to pull away from him and climb in the truck.

"Think about it. I'll come by tonight. I love you, Isabella."

I nodded my head, started the truck, and pulled away from Jake.

_This is stupid. You love him. You know you can do this. You're just scared. Do it. Take the leap. Jump. Fall. Jacob will catch you._

_Oh God I'm scared. _

Jacob's voice repeated in my head. "I can't live without you. Can't live without you. Without you. _You. You. You._

_Him. Him. Him. Only Him. Your heart needs him._

About halfway home I made my decision.

JPOV

I hadn't planned on yelling at her. I only wanted to talk to her. But she's so damn stubborn! I know she thinks she's going to hurt me or something, but I know she won't. I'll give her so much love. I know that she'll trust me in time more than _him_ and I know that she'll be loved by me more than she's ever been loved by anyone. She just needed to be given a chance to know that she wouldn't hurt me. I'd come over that night and one way or another, I'd persuade her.

Turns out I wouldn't persuade her.

I swear, I could feel her choose.

Oh God, please. Help me.


End file.
